Just thinking
Over the last two months I have written two blog entries, one each month. They both start with a variation of “where has the last month gone? ...”
I have realised that life has gotten so busy that I have forgotten to stop and smell the roses or at least take time out to think, reflect and just be. I went to the farm last weekend and spent a grand total of about one hour with the horses and the rest of it doing my assignment. At the time, it seemed like a very good thing to do, looking back, I think that I should have taken more time out just to enjoy the natural wonders of the farm and the world around me.
So this is me, taking time out… thinking and writing it down.
I used to like writing in my blog because it gave me the opportunity to update people but also to give myself a forum in which to express how I felt, and most importantly it made me think. This might seem slightly strange, but because of the nature of what my blog was to me while I was in Finland, challenging me to really think and reflect about what was going on was important. Now that I’m back I am finding that I am doing less of this which for my own piece of mind is not good because it became such a big part of who I am over the last year and it helped me keep things in perspective and in touch with what I really want.
I have noticed that I cry a lot; most of the time either for no apparent reason or for something so small, it really is insignificant. I can get very short, very quickly with my family because I am not used to dealing with their dramas and I have nowhere to just go blah, so it all gets bottled up. My headspace feels very cluttered with lots of little random things that would normally just be purged onto my blog. I haven’t lost sight of the bigger picture, but I feel like I am getting bogged down in the today and not dreaming about the tomorrow, maybe this is just something that comes with moving into the real world where family, work and everything else exists, but if it is, I have to say I really don’t enjoy it. Mostly, I have to say that on the surface, I might seem happy with my lot and I think to an extent I am, but deep down things just do not seem right and that I am not as happy as what I know I can be. And I think that I have been throwing myself into things full-bore because I really don’t want to think about this and instead am looking to just get through it.
I am finding that I am again saying to myself that I want to go home at the most random times, similar to what I was doing when in Finland, I can be on a bus going to work and say that I want to go home, I can be at home and say I want to go home. I feel very displaced and I’m not sure why. I have a huge urge to go and create my own home with all the white-wear, lounge suite, and other big ticket purchases, yet at the same time I just want to leave and go overseas again. I feel like I am trying to find my place in the world but cannot figure out where that is. I always assumed this was with my family in Auckland as I cannot see myself living anywhere else in NZ, but now that I’m back, the thought of staying here and creating my life doesn’t seem quite right yet neither does the thought of leaving my family. At the moment I feel like I am placing myself in a box that I don’t want to be in but can’t decide where else I’d rather be. It’s all rather confusing.
I have realised that life has gotten so busy that I have forgotten to stop and smell the roses or at least take time out to think, reflect and just be. I went to the farm last weekend and spent a grand total of about one hour with the horses and the rest of it doing my assignment. At the time, it seemed like a very good thing to do, looking back, I think that I should have taken more time out just to enjoy the natural wonders of the farm and the world around me.
So this is me, taking time out… thinking and writing it down.
I used to like writing in my blog because it gave me the opportunity to update people but also to give myself a forum in which to express how I felt, and most importantly it made me think. This might seem slightly strange, but because of the nature of what my blog was to me while I was in Finland, challenging me to really think and reflect about what was going on was important. Now that I’m back I am finding that I am doing less of this which for my own piece of mind is not good because it became such a big part of who I am over the last year and it helped me keep things in perspective and in touch with what I really want.
I have noticed that I cry a lot; most of the time either for no apparent reason or for something so small, it really is insignificant. I can get very short, very quickly with my family because I am not used to dealing with their dramas and I have nowhere to just go blah, so it all gets bottled up. My headspace feels very cluttered with lots of little random things that would normally just be purged onto my blog. I haven’t lost sight of the bigger picture, but I feel like I am getting bogged down in the today and not dreaming about the tomorrow, maybe this is just something that comes with moving into the real world where family, work and everything else exists, but if it is, I have to say I really don’t enjoy it. Mostly, I have to say that on the surface, I might seem happy with my lot and I think to an extent I am, but deep down things just do not seem right and that I am not as happy as what I know I can be. And I think that I have been throwing myself into things full-bore because I really don’t want to think about this and instead am looking to just get through it.
I am finding that I am again saying to myself that I want to go home at the most random times, similar to what I was doing when in Finland, I can be on a bus going to work and say that I want to go home, I can be at home and say I want to go home. I feel very displaced and I’m not sure why. I have a huge urge to go and create my own home with all the white-wear, lounge suite, and other big ticket purchases, yet at the same time I just want to leave and go overseas again. I feel like I am trying to find my place in the world but cannot figure out where that is. I always assumed this was with my family in Auckland as I cannot see myself living anywhere else in NZ, but now that I’m back, the thought of staying here and creating my life doesn’t seem quite right yet neither does the thought of leaving my family. At the moment I feel like I am placing myself in a box that I don’t want to be in but can’t decide where else I’d rather be. It’s all rather confusing.
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